Divorce and Dementia

Middle-aged people who are widowed or divorced are three times more likely to develop dementia in later life than those who are married or cohabiting, according to a new study.

It found that people aged around 50 who live alone have twice the risk of going on to be diagnosed with dementia by the time they are between the ages of 65 and 79.

The risk for those who are widowed or divorced is particularly high and the researchers said that "supportive intervention for individuals who have lost a partner might be a promising strategy in preventive health care".

Alzheimer Scotland said the findings, from a study carried out by researchers in Finland and Sweden, highlighted the importance of staying "socially connected" to help reduce the risk of developing dementia.

Full article Source The Herald 2 July 2009

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Online Divorce Sites and Chat Rooms

When we divorced it never crossed my mind to use the internet and it was a few years later when I was looking for a specific piece of information I first stumbled across a divorce online forum. Initially I couldn't make much sense of what people said but through reading others experiences and checking the facts I became little more educated and begun to understand how the systems in England & Wales and Scotland worked. I must confess though, chat rooms are not for me and only once did I inadvertently enter one and made a quick exit. Today the women's section of The Times carries an article about the development and success of Wikivorce which draws on Wikipedia, in that it is up to members to add an interesting resources to the site whenever they find one.

Like tens of thousands of men and women facing divorce, Jane was at her wits’ end when she turned to the internet. There she found wikivorce.com, an online support group for couples facing the end of their marriage. The website, which was launched two years ago and boasts a new visitor every minute, is an online community that offers free access to information, support and advice for people going through divorce or separation.

While online chats about divorce and marriage troubles are multiplying on sites such as mumsnet and ivillage, specialist sites such as ondivorce.co.uk and divorce-online.co.uk, which claims 31,000 members, appear to be proof that divorcing couples are increasingly seeking friendship and advice anonymously and online through chat rooms and the blogosphere. But will these burgeoning internet divorce chat rooms mean an end to acrimonious courtroom battles and the need for professional relationship counsellors?.....

I'm not sure why the article is in the women's section, there are many men who use the site too. In fact I believe at one stage there were more male members than female ones. Ian Rispin, founder of Wikivorce, judged that family law needed an extensive makeover and aims to provide support to people who have no choice other than self represent. Wikivorce has recently launched in Scotland and Australia. However, The Times echos my thoughts about the pitfalls;

Nick Longford, the chairman of Resolution, the organisation that represents 5,700 family lawyers, welcomes the online support groups but warns people to think carefully before attempting to save legal fees and going it alone with the help of a website. Legally, divorce can be very complicated, he says, and although lawyers can cost anything from £150 to £400 an hour, you pay for their experience and emotional support in navigating the treacherous divorce waters. If you go to court, costs can double. If the case reaches a final hearing, they can treble.

“I would hate people to think that this is a panacea and make themselves vulnerable,” he says. “As for selfrepresenting, there is an awful lot of law involved. We need a number of methods so that people can make an informed choice, but it’s not easy and it can be a full-time job.”

Of course, he would say that — as he admits — but he points out that while costs can spiral in court, most of Resolution’s clients manage to sort out their differences through lawyers and do not end up in front of a judge.

Christine Northam, a counsellor with Relate — which is in talks about working alongside Wikivorce and endorsing it as a tool for support in divorce — agrees that chat rooms have their place but insists that they are no substitute for professional advice.

“These sites may help by giving you good emotional support — but they may also mean that you stay stuck in a rut and carry on thinking that all men are bastards, and so on,” she says. “Counselling is about facing what has gone wrong and letting go. By knowing yourself a bit more, you should avoid making the same mistakes again — if you haven’t had counselling you can get sucked into repeating those mistakes.”

Northam also warns users to be aware of the risks attached to using divorce sites. No advice comes without an agenda, she says, be it from your mother, a friend or a newfound wiki mate, so users should consider thoughtfully where the advice they are given is coming from before acting on it.

Full article Source The Times 4 June 2009

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Interviewed by Natasha Phillips

Last week I was interviewed by Natasha Phillips of Divorce Manual about my experience and observations on the Scottish system. The interview is now available here and also on No 2 Abuse here.

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Speed Dating

Apparently I'm not the only one who turns cold at the thought of speed dating. According to this Newsbiscuit article psychologists at Aberdeen University found it took participants at a speed dating event between two and three seconds to realise what a horrendous mistake they had made and start checking for exits like "trapped baby marmosets."

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The X Factor

In California a gym is offering the opportunity 'to punch an ex on St Valentine's Day.' Participants wreak their revenge in boxing workouts where they take out their frustrations on pictures of former partners. See Reuters video here.

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Divorce Education

There are two interesting posts from Sam Hasler's Indiana Divorce & Family Law discussing the importance of education and preparing to divorce.


In Preparing To Divorce - A Gripe Sam looks at How to Divorce – A Better Understanding and takes issue with a statement about letting the lawyer make all the decisions not necessarily getting the desired outcome and clients should really understand what is happening in the court and process. Sam's point was it isn't a lawyer's job to make all the decisions. Education and preparation for divorce through reading books and making use of the internet enables clients themselves to make informed decisions. One purpose of family blawgs is to educate.

The second post Getting the Right Family Law Lawyer - Another Post continues the theme of lawyers educating their clients. The Austin Family Law Guide Blog, a relatively new blog from Texas, says great divorce lawyers educate their clients from the first meeting and focus on their client’s life after divorce. Sam adds the best lawyers educate their clients in all family cases.

All good stuff.

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Forgiveness & Conciliation

It was with sadness I learnt about the death yesterday of Guillaume Depardieu, son of the French film actor Gerard Depardieu from Reuters. Guillaume had been in poor health for several years following a motorcycle crash which resulted in having his left leg amputated after contracting an infection and he died of pneumonia on Monday. Aged 37, he was something of a rebel in his younger days having battled drug addiction and admitted to sleeping with men for money.

Guillaume first served a prison sentence at the age of 17 and his parents divorced in 1996, the same year he won a Cesar film award for his role in "Les Apprentis." In a book Guillaume said his father of neglected him and put off his divorce for years for fear of how much it would cost him. "I only found out that I was going to have a half-sister on the day of her birth" Guillaume wrote. "That tells you everything. Everything. I was always presented with faits accomplish [?]. That was typical of how he behaved towards me."

Obviously I don't know the ins and outs of his parents divorce but divorce doesn't have to end like this. Attitude is everything and it strikes me there are positive life lessons children could learn through their parents' divorce if given the opportunity, such as forgiveness and conciliation.

Reference: Élisabeth Depardieu, Wikipedia

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Pet's Well Being

According to ITN in this report the UK veterinary charity People's Dispensary for Sick Animals is advising separating couples to make their pets a central part of agreeing separation. Apparently they (the pets!) may show signs of distress such as obsessive and compulsive disorders when their owners' relationship breaks up.

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Thursday Thirteen

1. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings.”

2. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

3. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

4. You should not confuse your career with your life.

5. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

6. Never lick a steak knife.

7. One of the most destructive forces in the universe is gossip.

8. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

9. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

11. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep inside, we all believe that we are above average drivers.

12. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person.

13. YOUR FRIENDS LOVE YOU ANWAY.

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Are You Gender Typical?

Continuing the gender theme last week The Independent had an interesting Questionnaire: Are you gender typical? devised by psychotherapist and broadcaster, Phillip Hodson. Carl Jung believed every psyche consisted of both male and female elements and recent research supports the theory that psychologically there are more similarities between men and women at the same end of the gender spectrum than between those of the same sex on opposite ends.

In the test I scored 9/20 which puts me in the middle ground of the spectrum so, apparently, I can appreciate both masculine and feminine pursuits without getting hung up on what seems gender "appropriate" or whether my sexuality is being challenged. Just as well considering my chosen occupation.

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Judge X

Today The Guardian reported a review of a sex abuse inquiry case. Originally Dyfed Powys police investigated a judge accused of child abuse by his former wife and concluded the claims were unfounded. The judge's ex spouse then complained the investigation had been inadequate and now a review by the Independent Police Complaints Commission has ordered the police reopen the case to establish whether the former wife's complaints about the inquiry were properly handled. Initially the IPPC refused to investigate the handling of her complaint on the grounds that her paperwork had arrived with them late but a judicial review ordered further inquiry.

Whether the allegations in this particular case are true remains to be seen, but one spouse vilifying the other isn't uncommon in relationship breakdown. An explanation for this is given by Janet R. Johnson and Linda E.G. Campbell in their book "Impasses of Divorce: The Dynamics and Resolution of Family Conflict."

“Our clinical experience leads us to conclude that the actual experience of separation for some couples was the crucible in which these negative views of each other are brewed and crystallized. Couples who experience particularly traumatic separations are prime candidates for generating negative images. Perceived experiences of being suddenly and unexpectedly left; abandoned after secret plotting and planning; left after a secret love affair with another person; left after uncharacteristic, explosive violence--all are separation modes that are typically traumatic and involve inordinate degrees of humiliation, anger, defeat, guilt, and fear, thus setting the stage for what is to come. A radical reconstruction of the identity of the ex-spouse can occur at the time of a traumatic separation. The desperate reactions and counter-reactions to the crisis are likely to crystallize new negative views of each other which subsequently become autonomous of these origins"

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Blog Roundup 2

First of all congratulations to BFS aka Bletherin' Dad of It's A Dad's Life. I hope his new born son is soon in good health. Compliments too to Jaqui Gilatt of Bloody Relations for making it to the Times list of best legal blogs and best wishes to Swiss Toni of Will I Be Barred as he embarks on the Bar Vocational Course as a mature student.

Commiserations to Judith Middleton of Judith's Divorce Blog after narrowly escaping a fire at the hotel adjoining her practice.

Lucy Reed of Pink Tape is training for a half marathon to raise funds to tackle domestic violence (not bad for someone who gave birth just a few months ago!) Mr P of We Love You Mr Pineapples is waxing lyrical about the Olympics and Mhairi of Mhairi's Travel Blog has been skydiving in New Zealand.

John Bolch of Family Lore has produced an e Book Do Your Own Divorce, a guide to divorcing without a lawyer.

Marilyn Stowe's latest post Clients and bankruptcy: a cautionary tale looks at what happened when a client sued her solicitors for professional negligence after they had failed to advise how bankruptcy would affect her financial claim.

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Edinburgh Festivals

It's that time of year again and apart from my broadband connection problems outlined in this post returning this week and work the Edinburgh festivals have proved distractions from blogging.

The Book Festival is my favourite and this week has seen visits from David Dimbleby, Tony Benn, Ian Rankin, Alexander McCall Smith, David Owen and Gordon Brown to name but a few. Speaking at the festival author Andrew O'Hagan suggested Jeremy Paxman could use his fishing rod "for something else" after the Newsnight presenter's comments about Robert Burns reported here in the Herald. Amnesty International held a series of interesting events.

With divorce and family in mind Tony Parsons' talk focused on his book My Favourite Wife about an ambitious lawyer in Shanghai exposed to the temptations of an affair. Louis de Bernières, the author of Captain Corelli's Mandolin, made a welcome return to Edinburgh and Carl Honoré looked at the pressures piled on parents to raise the perfect child, arguing for a slower,more relaxed approach. One event I didn't go to but looked appropriate for someone going through divorce was a workshop Dealing with Rejection looking at key practical and emotional techniques to help to deal with rejection with author, playwright and psychotherapist Caroline Dunford. I later discovered this was meant for writers!

On the Fringe I went to see my son perform twice and came across The Accidental Death of an Accordionist at the same venue. This was a murder mystery with the audience participating as dancers at a ceilidh and was great fun. I also went to the Alex Yellowlees Jazz Quartet gig. Alex is the consultant psychiatrist I mentioned in this earlier post

Again on the subject of divorce there was Confessions & Obsessions of a Thirty Something Divorcee this was billed as;

Xara reveals her thoughts about love, life and sagging boobs as she prepares to attend the wedding of her ex-boyfriend. Can she love again?

Sarah Millican's Not Nice was in the same vain. I gave them both a miss.

Next week the Festival of Politics starts and the Law society is hosting a debate. Vice President Ian Smart will line up along with singer Annie Lennox, former cabinet ministers Denis Healey and Douglas Hurd, activist and comedian Mark Thomas and the Society's Director of Law Reform Michael Clancy on a panel under the theme A Law Unto Itself?

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Relationships Scotland

Family Mediation Scotland and Relate Scotland have merged to form Relationships Scotland. A comprehensive service sounds a good idea to me. The website, currently under construction, is here and I have added a link to my resources menu.

The new organisation will support a comprehensive and developing national network of 26 relationship and family mediation services and 23 child contact centres across Scotland. The services provided for individuals, couples and families will include:

Relationship Counselling
Family Mediation
Child Contact Centres including Supported and Supervised Child Contact
All Issues Mediation
Family Counselling
Young People’s Counselling
Group Work with Separating Couples
Young People’s Support Groups
Mediation in the Context of Homelessness
Sex and Relationship Therapy
Telephone Counselling
Training for Counsellors, Mediators and Supervisors

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Dating Tips

Being happily single and having a busy work and social schedule since my divorce a few years ago I never got round to dating so I was rather surprised to find Sam Hasler of Indiana Divorce & Family Law had credited me with giving pointers in Dating for Those Past 50. Not that I mind, it was a good post, but I hope whoever the real Fiona is she doesn't object to me passing on the tips from Dating After Divorce: 50 Tips to Get Back into the Groove.

Being a part of a couple for a while will certainly take some of your individuality away. Take advantage of this time after your divorce to find that individuality again. Learn new hobbies, find old friends, and treat yourself with respect. This list tells you how to do that and more.

1. Let go of the past. You will not be able to move forward until you resolve your feelings about the break-up of your marriage and the divorce. Once you work through these feelings, you’ll find yourself in a much better place to go on with your life.

2. Rekindle old interests. Did you have a passion for photography before you got married? Pick up that camera again. You may find that you can rediscover yourself through those interests you pushed aside during the marriage.

3. Find new interests. Maybe you’ve always wanted to learn how to paint or go kayaking. Taking up new interests now will help you rediscover qualities about yourself you may have forgotten. It will also get you out and meeting new people.

4. Learn to enjoy your own company. After living with someone for a while, it can be difficult to enjoy doing things alone. Find ways to have fun on your own.

5. Take care of yourself. If you’ve gained a few extra pounds, find a way to get some exercise. Eat healthily and take time to pamper yourself. If you feel good about the way you look and feel, others will too.

6. Lose the negative self-image. If you feel poorly about yourself, you are likely to attract people who will treat you badly. Make a list of your good qualities and remind yourself often of them. Work on building yourself up.

7. Develop new friendships. You don’t have to ignore your old friends, but often it is helpful to have a new network of friends who didn’t know you and your ex as a couple. New friendships and support systems can help ease your transition after divorce.

8. Reconnect with old friends. Track down old friends with whom you’ve lost touch over the years. Whether you find you’ve still got lots in common or you’ve both moved on, it will likely enrich your life anyway.

9. Volunteer. No matter if you have a lot of free time or almost none, there is some place you can volunteer your time. Devoting some time working for others is a great way to discover new things about yourself.

10. Start a new career. If you’ve been working in a job you hate or if you were staying at home with the children, after a divorce is a good time to start down a new path. Start taking steps to get you going toward that career you’ve always wanted.

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Fathers' Day Tragedy

Further to my post about the murder of a service processor and attempted murder of his two children by a father in the States the Herald reports the sad story of a father who killed himself and his two children in north Wales on Father's Day after the man was apparently involved in a dispute with his wife.


Dr Alex Yellowlees, consultant psychiatrist and medical director of the Priory Hospital in Glasgow, explains in this Guardian article from November 2006 the motives of the men Americans call 'family annihilators'. Most experts agree that it is almost impossible to foresee and prevent such tradgedies.

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Laws of Love

Mark Chaloner of Laws of Love has written an interesting and thought provoking post, Over Sensitve Times, about being judgmental of the parenting of others. This raises two issues that are particular concerns of mine, namely over protectiveness stifling children and the effectiveness of psychotherapy. Mark warns lawyers against being critical of parenting styles and personality types encouraged by clients and suggests the lawyer needs to act as a reality check for parents’ expectations and standards. Perhaps one of the presuppositions of neuro linguist programming in having respect for the other person’s model of the world is useful here.

Mark is a barrister whose practice is 90% (or so) family law and he lives in Southampton, working all over the South Coast and Southern area. I have added Laws of Love to my blog roll.

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Mediation

Mediation helps couples who are separating or divorcing make their own arrangements and plans for the future. Experience shows that people are more satisfied with and more likely to adhere to arrangements they have made between themselves. Mediators are trained to help parties identify the issues between them reach a constructive agreement which will work for everyone concerned. In Scotland there is Family Mediation Scotland (according to the Journal now Relationships Scotland) which has a particular emphasis on arrangements for children and CALM, the family lawyer mediators.

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Family Therapy

It is now generally accepted that families interact in a circular fashion and when there is understanding, empathy and good communication the stresses are dealt with in a constructive way. However, when parents separate there is often no empathy, distorted communication and overreaction so problems are not dealt with very constructively. Because of the circular interaction all family members can be implicated in problems which tend to escalate.

Family therapists can support families going through separation and divorce by finding constructive ways to resolve difficulties by promoting understanding. The Association for Family Therapy is on my blog roll and here is their explanation about what family therapy is.

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Bad Taste

John Bolch of Family Lore has been following the saga of an estranged wife in America laundering her Dirty Linen on YouTube. Now you might expect something like that to happen in the States but are we heading that way in the UK too?

Yesterday I was dismayed to see this appearing on several divorce forums.

"I'm writing a piece for You magazine in the Mail on Sunday about women whose ex-partners lost their libidos as the women become more and more successful.

I know a lot of really successful women use this site so specifically I'm looking for:

A now divorced or separated woman in her 30s or 40s who was with a man whose sex drive waned the more successful
she became and that contributed to the marriage breakdown. You will be interviewed and photographed and paid for your time."

Apart from being insensitive posting on forums where many people go for support because their marriage is in the process of breaking down the idea that someone might actually take up the offer is disturbing. Call me old fashioned but I believe in a stiff upper lip and keeping one's dignity. Our private sex lives and that of our ex-partners should remain just that, private.

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